Eye On the Big Ball

Time is doing funny things.  I look at the calendar, at my last post, and notice it’s been exactly one month since I wrote here.  How could so many days have happened since we had that conversation? And at the same time, how could I have been that girl only 30 days ago? I am learning time is in us, and not absolute.

I feel like I’m at my therapist’s office after a long time away and there are a huge backlog of topics for potential discussion.  Should I talk about the gleeful nesting I’ve been doing in my new house? Or how I have failed to finish my novel (yet)?  The marvelous New Years acid trip?  The old wounds of shame I’ve been licking? How I feel my capacity for joy expanding? The Lovers tarot card I pulled for 2009? Boys? Music? Money?

I guess I go through phases of interest in processing things through writing and talking and creating.  Lately I’ve been not so interested in the processing part, and more into the experiencing.  The “but what does it all mean?” has quieted and I’ve gone into “what’s this?” mode.  In this place my attention span is about four seconds. My communication skills take an abrupt nose dive and I hop through my thoughts and days, not accomplishing much of anything, trying everything, being flaky and unreliable, riding emotional rollercoasters, catching up on my sleep, staring out the window and daydreaming.

To all my friends and family,  I am sorry for largely boycotting the holidays as I go through this resurgence of toddler-dom. I have made promises and not kept them.  I’ve started writing notes to you and wrapping your presents and not finished.  I really did try to blog last weekend – I wrote the first paragraph of nine different posts before sighing and staring at the fire instead.  It’s like trying to fight the weather.

My friend Tuaca once said I’m like a dolphin.  I leap from the water then go down, deep, away.  It’s what Lisa’s do.  Please know that I have been receiving your holiday gifts and letters, reading your blogs and facebook updates, thinking of you, appreciating and loving you all wordlessly.

With an actual, normal work week here on the horizon I’m reluctantly coaxing the words and adultness back. I’m grateful for my Taurusness.  I harness this part of me who loves loves loves to set intentions, categorize things and make lists.  The big landmine to watch for here is the ambitiousness.  The part that wants to do EVERYTHING and do it PERFECTLY and thinks everything takes about 25% as long as it actually does. The ambitiousness itself is not a problem actually, it’s the judgement and standards and compulsion and fear of disappointing or of not being enough that ickifies everything. (Ickifies, by the way, is now my new favorite word I just made up.)

I’m keeping my eye on the big ball tonight as I make my little lists.  Life is too short for jobs and budgets and phone calls to be a source of misery. I am clear in my vision.  I have the Big List. I have all the tools I need to ride the ride.  (Hero, I’m smiling, remembering you saying “We are easily seduced, but our intentions are powerful.”)

I want to go slower this year.  I want the middle way – between these extremes of doing everything and doing nothing. I want to practice, to move toward mastery in relationship with everyone – real, sincere, in-time connecting – and to choose to spend my time with people who want that too.  I want to experience and express sincerely and simply and proudly without performing.  I want to go after what I want and banish old fears with absolution.  I want to open my body and mind and spirit as a channel to life and let it live and dance and sing me.  I want to treat myself and everyone with highest respect and recognition of our majesty.  I want to let go, let go, let go of everything in the way.  I want to know how much joy I can handle.

Do you want these things too?

I vote we do it together. There are big distractions and egos and wounds out there and we need each other. We are powerful, and even more deliciously, magnificently so when we’re together.  And if the Mayan calendar is right we only have three years.  We had better get cracking.

If you’re in, and this is an experiement, I’ll post occasional assignments here for us. I will do them too. I hope you’ll play.

Assignment #1: Share your magnificence.

Right now, post something in the comments section (click on the “comments” link below) that displays your wonderfulness for the whole world to see.  Something you are proud of.  Something that is of you and and beyond you.  There is no room for modesty or apology here. Or for not-good-enough.  Or for waiting to finish the thing that isn’t finished.  Share something you have now.  A poem, a picture, a YouTube link, a recounting of the impossible accomplishment, a link to your very most favorite blog post… anything that when you did it made you go “wow – look at how big I am.”  This is a magnificence show and tell.  A chance for all of us to be equally fantastic – to ooh and ahh at all our gifts and recognize our own selves in them.

Whatcha got?



Filed under invitations, life, lisa goettel, writing

10 responses to “Eye On the Big Ball

  1. millorona

    I re-read several of my blog entries, to review the year, the “annus horribilis” and if I was going to point to a glorious moment, ironically, it would be our dear friend Bob’s funeral, here on Partington Ridge. I’m especially proud of the eulogy I wrote for him, and shared with our family of friends.

    Even as I write this, I cringe. Like you Lisa, it’s not so good to shine, at least not too brightly. Always waiting for someone to spy me and see my value…talk about ickification!

    Anyways, here’s the link (the eulogy is towards the end of the post)
    love you, and thank you for this exercise…

  2. Good to see you back. See you in your full humanness.
    The first thing that came to mind for was the smiles and dance I shared moments ago at Huxley.

    The latest post on my blog speaks of where I am, and I am happy about it.

    Love and smiles,

  3. I’m in, because I know this will be good for me as I continue my process to rediscover joy after Jane’s death. I have three things to crow about, not in any specific order. First, I’m still proud that I made a CD one year ago, even if I still need to sell over half of them. (Why didn’t I know that CD’s were passe?) It never would have happened without you, Lisa, setting up my webpage, designing the insert and generally encouraging me to get this done–my first solo CD at 57 years old! (Anyone want to buy a CD?–They’re on sale!)

    Two, I’m really proud of the way my Christmas “victims of the flood” fundraiser went. I hoped to raise maybe a $1000 dollars for a few of the thousands of families so extraordinarily impacted by the terrible flood in Cedar Rapids last June. Word spread and we ended up with over $3400 in cash and gift cards and a whole truckload of furniture. The only problem is that now I’m haunted by the five families we helped. I can still see Nora, living in a house with one door, the outside one, and everywhere else in her house there are sheets of plastic hanging where there should be walls and doors. She’s in her 50’s and she’s doing all the repairs herself. I’m going to keep this thing going.

    Most of all, I am head-over-heels in love with you, Lisa, beyond proud. I love reading your soul as you pour out whatever you think and feel. You are brave and brilliant, full of love and life. I’m your mom—HAH! No one else can make that claim…I’m so lucky!

  4. lisa!

    taureans unite! wow, did i ever relate to that bit.

    so glad to see you’re back. and so glad to see you’ve been joyful while gone. love the analogy of the dolphin. dolphins are cool. big love to where you’re going in 2009. awesome. you are such a seeker, a quester, and i love that about you. so brave.

    no worries about the novel. that’s a journey, too.

    my magnificence… i feel really good when people tell me i bring light. my friend, mary, who does my radionics, says i have more “white light” than most people. a guy at the gym last week told me i bring a lot of light. i’m proud of being that kind of person (i say, cringing a little bit, because i know that i am not always that person, and i know that others know that i am not always that person.)

    i also feel good about being aware of my own contradictions and being able to call myself on them. 🙂

  5. I’m glad I came over here from P’s site….this Pisces woman who loves the idea of being a dolphin – but is these two strange fishes, pulling agaisnt each other in all their wishy washiness that pisces is.

    What is my sharing of magnifigance-did I just spell that correctly? — and see I hesitate, even though you said “brag tell!” – I still have a hard time with bragging telling – maybe I will call it sharing? oh, I don’t know– but, finally, finally, my novel will be published…it’s exciting, but it’s also terrifying – yes, terrifying when a life-dream is coming true – my craziness goes: “Oh, what if it is taken away before it happens; what if it happens and not like I thought/wanted; what if it happens and everyone hates it; what if it happens and everyone loves it but I can’t do it again; what if….” you get the idea…But, …it is happening, isn’t it?

    Beautiful blog/site, by the way….

  6. laughing – magnifigance! now i am obssessing that I spelled it wrong – and I am an editor – what was I thinking! I’m doomed! I’m I’m …oh oh! obsess – wait, is obsessing one double ss’s or two – oh no! it never ends! The pressure! ….

    *kat slinks off*

  7. Karen

    I am proud that I am helping my three year old daughter understand her feelings. To trust that she will be loved no matter how angry, sad or joyous she might feel. This is not a gift I received from my mother in my childhood, but a gift I have since opened from my mother everyday.

    Amazing is the power of an apology from a parent.

  8. Wayne Sea Angel

    am guessing what I need to post is my most recent Tarot card I’ve written. Hoping it speaks to you:

    new moon * three of rays

    The sun seeks differentiation while the moon endears, and draws us toward union. In association with others, there is promise, and we find progress is at hand. “Intuition joins experience” and there is a new start and new beginning. New thinking leads to new templates and a fresh outline. There is something to build upon. New growth lends itself to enthusiasm born anew. Extravagance is allowed for now, as the new moon is subtle and not lasting too very long. Minimal tidal fluctuations allow for easy access and entry. Trans Pacific sets have subsided for now. If you find yourself in a group situation, there is an air of cooperation. New light is shed with a purity and innocence that brings joy and white light.

    Are you wasting a “golden opportunity?” Your reservoir is full. Reserves are high. You have our full assurance that you will not be lacking. Feeling self reproach for missing the boat or swell? Ready for new swell and “peak experience.” Launch an “air,” and your new project. Feeling unproductive? Recognize opportunities for what they are. Try again. The timing is good. Propose. Emerge born anew. Position for the harvest to come. Get towed in to your “next wave.” Are goals elusive? Are they out of sight? Do you feel out of control? Blend with the wave. Blend in. A deep relationship with the ocean begets deep relations with all things. Form partnerships and alliances with “all your relations.” Work together. Regroup. Are vested interests and a hidden agenda behind your uncontrolled debt? Reassess. The power of free will engenders us a strength of spirit. Physical renewal leads to a spiritual dawning. Recovery is in the cards. Set your table. Pray for surf. Prayer yields dividends. Sink your tail, and set your rail. Set sail. Draw new life lines of light and illumination. Prosper and thrive. Whether purist or pioneer, make full use of this time. Place an order with your oracle and plant your sacred seed.

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