Time is doing funny things. I look at the calendar, at my last post, and notice it’s been exactly one month since I wrote here. How could so many days have happened since we had that conversation? And at the same time, how could I have been that girl only 30 days ago? I am learning time is in us, and not absolute.
I feel like I’m at my therapist’s office after a long time away and there are a huge backlog of topics for potential discussion. Should I talk about the gleeful nesting I’ve been doing in my new house? Or how I have failed to finish my novel (yet)? The marvelous New Years acid trip? The old wounds of shame I’ve been licking? How I feel my capacity for joy expanding? The Lovers tarot card I pulled for 2009? Boys? Music? Money?
I guess I go through phases of interest in processing things through writing and talking and creating. Lately I’ve been not so interested in the processing part, and more into the experiencing. The “but what does it all mean?” has quieted and I’ve gone into “what’s this?” mode. In this place my attention span is about four seconds. My communication skills take an abrupt nose dive and I hop through my thoughts and days, not accomplishing much of anything, trying everything, being flaky and unreliable, riding emotional rollercoasters, catching up on my sleep, staring out the window and daydreaming.
To all my friends and family, I am sorry for largely boycotting the holidays as I go through this resurgence of toddler-dom. I have made promises and not kept them. I’ve started writing notes to you and wrapping your presents and not finished. I really did try to blog last weekend – I wrote the first paragraph of nine different posts before sighing and staring at the fire instead. It’s like trying to fight the weather.
My friend Tuaca once said I’m like a dolphin. I leap from the water then go down, deep, away. It’s what Lisa’s do. Please know that I have been receiving your holiday gifts and letters, reading your blogs and facebook updates, thinking of you, appreciating and loving you all wordlessly.
With an actual, normal work week here on the horizon I’m reluctantly coaxing the words and adultness back. I’m grateful for my Taurusness. I harness this part of me who loves loves loves to set intentions, categorize things and make lists. The big landmine to watch for here is the ambitiousness. The part that wants to do EVERYTHING and do it PERFECTLY and thinks everything takes about 25% as long as it actually does. The ambitiousness itself is not a problem actually, it’s the judgement and standards and compulsion and fear of disappointing or of not being enough that ickifies everything. (Ickifies, by the way, is now my new favorite word I just made up.)
I’m keeping my eye on the big ball tonight as I make my little lists. Life is too short for jobs and budgets and phone calls to be a source of misery. I am clear in my vision. I have the Big List. I have all the tools I need to ride the ride. (Hero, I’m smiling, remembering you saying “We are easily seduced, but our intentions are powerful.”)
I want to go slower this year. I want the middle way – between these extremes of doing everything and doing nothing. I want to practice, to move toward mastery in relationship with everyone – real, sincere, in-time connecting – and to choose to spend my time with people who want that too. I want to experience and express sincerely and simply and proudly without performing. I want to go after what I want and banish old fears with absolution. I want to open my body and mind and spirit as a channel to life and let it live and dance and sing me. I want to treat myself and everyone with highest respect and recognition of our majesty. I want to let go, let go, let go of everything in the way. I want to know how much joy I can handle.
Do you want these things too?
I vote we do it together. There are big distractions and egos and wounds out there and we need each other. We are powerful, and even more deliciously, magnificently so when we’re together. And if the Mayan calendar is right we only have three years. We had better get cracking.
If you’re in, and this is an experiement, I’ll post occasional assignments here for us. I will do them too. I hope you’ll play.
Assignment #1: Share your magnificence.
Right now, post something in the comments section (click on the “comments” link below) that displays your wonderfulness for the whole world to see. Something you are proud of. Something that is of you and and beyond you. There is no room for modesty or apology here. Or for not-good-enough. Or for waiting to finish the thing that isn’t finished. Share something you have now. A poem, a picture, a YouTube link, a recounting of the impossible accomplishment, a link to your very most favorite blog post… anything that when you did it made you go “wow – look at how big I am.” This is a magnificence show and tell. A chance for all of us to be equally fantastic – to ooh and ahh at all our gifts and recognize our own selves in them.